Your Facebook Life Doesn’t Fool Me
Oooh I am just so delighted! I have been invited to an event so old-school Southern, I didn’t even know about it until just recently. I have been invited to a Sip ‘n’ See!! Apparently this concept is an old Southern tradition that’s becoming quite the rage again; the idea being that you “sip” a beverage and “see” the new baby. Now I love any excuse for a party, though to be honest I’m mostly comfortable with parties thrown in my own honor. So I am excited to attend, but I do have a couple of reservations about this shindig.
First of all, what type of beverage will there be to “sip?” When I lived in Manhattan this would not have been a concern, as no one in their right mind would gather a group of people together without wine and beer, regardless of the hour. Since my return to the South I have encountered many situations where the strongest beverage available is sweet tea, and while it may have enough sugar in it to launch you to the moon, it will not have the medicinal powders of a mimosa at a Sunday morning brunch. (Trust me, I have tested this theory at all levels of hungoverness.) I honestly don’t think it’s civilized to invite a group of adults to an event centered around something as boring as an infant without providing a little bubbly to take the edge off.
Which brings me to my second teeny tiny issue….I don’t really like children, I mean other people’s children. I will smile and hold and make all the appropriate cooing sounds, but the real truth is all babies look like bald little old men (except for the ones born with lots of hair, and then that’s equally unsettling). Unless they are particularly ugly, your infant is going to look like every other person’s infant, so it’s kinda ‘you seen one you seen them all. ‘
Of course I feel differently about my own children, everyone does. As you can see, my Patrick looks entirely precious and not like a regular baby….no wait, is that Patrick? It might be Grace. It hardly matters….I rest my case.
But I am truly excited for this gathering because of the snacks! Yankee snacks are just far inferior to Southern snacks. Folks up there will roll out an antipasta tray in a heartbeat, as if salami and pickled vegetables were a great delicacy. To be honest with you, if I ever see another plate of cured meat on a buffet I will gouge my eyes out with one of those little frilly toothpicks!
Now I live for tables covered in Southern delicacies- the delicious sausage ball, made of mounds of cheese, spicy sausage, and just enough Bisquick to hold it together; the “salads” containing any manner of fruit, meat or nut all indistinguishable beneath thick layers of Duke’s mayonnaise,
and especially those comprised mostly of jello and whipped cream; the crustless whitebread sandwiches of no nutritional value and unidentifiable filling; but most of all…. The Dips!
When Yankees put out a “spread,” they mean the food is spread across the table. When the good people of the South put out a “spread,” they mean a delicious topping for your Ritz cracker. The bean dips, the spinach dips, that onion-flavored stuff that can literally go on any food, at any occasion. All with more calories than a Big Mac, yet all served as a light snack.
And let me not forget the coup de gras of all Southern snack foods- Pimento Cheese. In New York City you couldn’t find a container of pimento cheese for love nor money. Now I can choose from two dozen varieties in the grocery store, with specialty pimento cheese companies popping up left and right. It’s a bit much for a processed cheese-food, but I’m not complaining
Oh I am so looking forward to the Southern Snack Feast that accompanies all baby shower-type events below the Mason-Dixon. As long as I’ve got a glass full of wine and a counter full of dips I can be sure to act appropriately in any social setting. And with any luck, there will be enough old ladies in attendance that I can get out of there without having to spend too long holding the little alien…I mean angel.Share This: