The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift Guide
Dear Fashion-less Moron with Head-Up-Ass:
It is not in my nature to speak disparagingly of myself. Disparagingly of others is really a better fit. I say this because I don’t want you to think this is another diatribe by a woman thinking she looks bad in a bathing suit. I look fabulous in a bathing suit, even if in my own mind.
I was in one of your stores today and thought I would just pop over to the bathing suits and pick up one before all the good ones are gone. Normally I shop for bathing suits in June after the water warms up, I’ve gotten some sun on my legs and feel I can fully embrace public displays of wobbly bits. However, next week we are traveling to Florida, hence my rush to replace the bathing suits I have been stretching out for the past 5 years.
Anyway, as I round the corner to the bathing suit department thinking I will pick up a cute-yet-modest 2-piece, I am met head-on by Spring Break 1993.
I have not done an official poll or anything, but based on my recent observations, I am quite certain there are not many of your Target shoppers who really need to be wearing this.
The problem dear Sir or Madam, is this girl in your ads:
And her 2 friends:
Even I, who has full knowledge of the size and shape of my backside, took that light green thing into the dressing room, along with half a dozen other versions, envisioning myself at the neighborhood pool looking sexy and youthful. As my white hip-flesh squeezed out from between the little side strips in the unforgiving florescent light of the dressing room, I awakened from my daydream to find myself surrounded by items that would look perfect on Jennifer Aniston. Unfortunately, I was the only person in the dressing room.
So I took the mass of stringy things out to the disgruntled dressing room attendant, who heaved them with a sigh onto a mound of similar discards (don’t you have a better system for this yet?), and returned to the swimwear section to find a slightly more mature 2-piece. Turns out, there aren’t any more mature 2-piece bathing suits. Your choices are inappropriately tiny or reminiscent of a swimming costume from the 1940’s.
Apparently if you are above the age of 30 you are to wear a gigantic wad of nylon ruching with a skirt- I guess I missed that memo. Just because I don’t want my nipples slipping out when I jump in the pool doesn’t mean I want to shop in the mumsy-florals of the Practical and Functional section.
I know I no longer have my 18-year-old abs. I know I have 2 children to chase after. I know every other mother at the pool will have on a tankini or one-piece but I. Just. Can’t. Do. It.
In the same way I refuse to drive a minivan even though I know it would be so much easier to negotiate with small children, I cannot wear a sensible suit.
I would like to point out to you that I spend a sizable amount of time and money in your stores. I take my children there on rainy days and buy them crap they do not need. I over-purchase seasonal décor and cosmetic items. I spend at least $100 every time I walk in the damn door. In short, I am your target demographic, so why would you not fill your stores with clothing I want to buy?! I am youthful, sophisticated, active, stylish and I want Wearable Fabulous!
In short, if you want to continue siphoning the paychecks of every suburban family in the free world, you need to find a selection of swimwear for adult women somewhere between the wardrobe closet of Beverly Hills 90210 and a full-body girdle.