This is a plea to all human occupants of this world to GET YOURSELVES TOGETHER!
Look, I don’t have crazy expectations that everyone turn themselves out at 8am perfectly pressed, coiffed, bejeweled and wardrobed every single day. I can appreciate a low-maintenance look, and I completely understand the battle to remove your morning gym clothes before dinnertime. However, there are entirely too many folks walking around in public looking like a HOT MESS every day of the week.
The first step in the road to Gettin’ It Togetherness: Wear Clothes That Fit.
Apparently this requires a level of self-awareness not possessed by the greater part of society today. You got belly rolls, wobbly butt cheeks, saggy boobs? Welcome to life without an airbrush, it’s okay, we’ve all got spare parts. But it’s not the problem areas that concern me so much as the clothing covering them. There is no need to for your tee shirt to cling to your belly rolls or your white pants to stretch taut against your dimpled bottom. If you find yourself stretching and tugging and self-consciously rearranging your shirt all day, then simply… BUY A BIGGER SHIRT!
I know it’s not fun to have to buy a bigger size, but you know what else is not fun?
A Muffin Top.
And before you go getting your panties in a bunch (a common side-effect of too-tight pants), understand that I’m not “fat-shaming,” I’m “wearing-the-wrong-size-shaming.” You can be a big beautiful girl, you don’t have to lose a pound, but you must wear clothing that fits you and enhances your body, not suffocates it in a waistband you outgrew 2 years ago.
Remember, the Muffin Top is not exclusive to the larger-sized person. A size 6 will have a muffin top wearing a size 4. Into every life a bigger pant must fall. You wanna keep those jeans and pretend you’re going to lose weight and fit into them again, knock yourself out, but while you’re working your way down, you’ll need to try a size up.
Conversely, if you are spending your time in over-sized clothing with the aim of either invisibility or supreme comfort, you are also doing yourself a great disservice. You may not love every single thing about your body but covering it up with yards of extra fabric just looks lazy and unkempt, and does not shield you from the world, or its mirrors, in any way.
Once you’re dressed in your properly-fitted attire, you can proceed to step 2 of Gettin’ It Togetherness: The Hair-Do
Unruly locks are adorable on children, but as an adult your hair should have a style. Note: “laying limply across your face” is not a style. Wash it, brush it, DO something with it! (It’s a hair-DO….get it?) Now I’m not talking about when you’re coming from the gym or lying around the house- all bets are off in sweat or private. I’m talking about people going to work every day where they are certain to encounter other adult humans, looking like they have rolled out of bed for an 8am college final. Have some respect for your customers and coworkers and look like you intended to be there. This may take more effort as the effects of age thin and grey your mane, but that is why God created hair stylists and, in extreme cases, hats.
And the final step of Gettin’ It Togetherness: Put Your Face On
Make-up is a divisive issue and I’m certainly not going to tell anyone they have to wear make-up to be pretty. If you have the rest of your look together and you feel good about yourself with bare skin, then more power to ya. I, however, prefer to conceal my blemishes and plump my lashes rather than spend 8 hours letting my colleagues stare at my tired eyes and sun-spotted skin. So if you are a make-up wearer let’s please determine the correct color combinations and learn how to apply them. Any cosmetic-counter attendant can help you, and if you can’t splurge on designer foundation then haul your cookies on down to The Rite Aid and buy something on the cheap. I don’t care what brand it is, well-blended concealing agents of any sort are preferable to blotchy skin.
For those of you clucking your tongues at my vanity and mentally berating me for setting the Women’s Movement back 50 years, let me assure you I’m doing just the opposite.
I don’t want you to get your look together to attract a mate.
I don’t want you to get your look together impress judgy bitches like me.
I want you to get your look together out of respect for Yourself! I don’t care how comfortable you say you are, it is impossible to feel fabulous wearing ill-fitting clothes with scraggly hair in your face.
Fabulous comes in many shapes and many sizes, so please go find the Fabulous that fits!Share This: