Dear
Queenan,
For 3 years I
treated my boyfriend as if he was a lowly slave boy and he ran around to cater
to my every need. Finally, he started to smart up and wonder if I really was the
true queen of his castle and began snapping back. Of course I responded with
more commands and demands, until finally the slave boy began to wonder if I
really even loved him at all. He then found that life with only the male
subjects was much more relaxing and that maybe he didn't need me after all. Now
I have realized my faults and want to fix them, but former slave boy is jaded
and resistant to my emotions. He shows affection but will not express it
verbally and wants to see each other but will not commit to a real relationship
as of yet. What's a former Queen supposed to do?
Sincerely,
Over Her Reign
Dear Over Her Reign,
One of the first and most important lessons I teach my princess pupils, is that a true Queen is kind to everyone so that they will be her loyal subjects. Clearly, you have skipped a few chapters in the Royal Handbook, because you’ve also violated the overarching principle that a truly Royal woman would never use the words ‘Queen’ and ‘former’ anywhere near each other
Any wise woman knows that in order to make the slave boys behave the way we want them to, we must first make them think they are Kings, or Princes, or at the very least the Duke of Something or other. The problem with men, or perhaps it’s actually a positive, is that while they do recognize when they’re blatantly being treated poorly, they are not nearly smart enough to comprehend subtle manipulation. Therefore, were you to treat your Slave Boy as a King, while insisting on maintaining your royal status, you would eventually train him out of his pseudo-macho-passive-aggressive-ridiculously confusing behavior.
Now, when all else fails, I always start baking, because there is not a problem in the world that can’t be solved by a nice warm brownie. Additionally, this slight suggestion of domestication serves to further confuse his notions of you as a self-centered brat, because he’s too busy feeding his own face to notice that you’ve eaten half the pan yourself during last evening’s pity party. These dual-use chocolate treats are sure-fire take my word… (and my weight) on that.
In conclusion, my dear distraught Queen, it is not necessary to abdicate one’s throne in order to entice wounded lovers. Simply sweeten up your act and continue on with your more benevolent reign.
Royally,
