Dear
Queenan,
I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend and am now back in the dating
scene after a long absence. When I go out with my girlfriends I always see
plenty of hot guys but never seem to be able to do more than look. When you’re
out at a bar and see a gorgeous guy, what is the best way to get his attention
and get him to come over and talk to you?
Sincerely,
Lonely Looker
Dear Lonely Looker,
You have come to the right place my dear for I am a champion of the "draw
attention to yourself game." I, however, cannot be bothered with waiting
about for guys in bars to initiate conversation, not because I am some wanton
vixen, but because I realize that as long as there is a television screen in the
room, I will be menopausal before the Y-chromosome releases its hold on the
score ticker. Hence, I will share with you the fool-proof ice breaker, conceived
one drunken Halloween night in college as I yelled down the street labeling
random guys as “attractive,” or “unattractive,” or “get a bag,” (but I swear
that one was reserved for only the most unfortunate-looking). Before you go
thinking that this is absurd, let me assure you that no man can resist a woman
telling him he’s good-looking. It doesn’t even have to be true, but if he is a
dog-faced gremlin you’re really wasting your time in the first place. In my more
sober moments I have refined The Attractive Game to three easy (and considerably
classier) steps: locate attractive males, walk over and shake their hand and
saying, “ I just wanted to let you know that I think you are very attractive,”
and the coup de grace, walk away before they can respond. All men, regardless of
age, race or social status will be rendered speechless as you glide off,
ever-so-coolly, to a point just close enough to see and just far enough away to
force their motion away from the television. Once he has regained his senses, he
will most assuredly approach you with his own oratorical fireworks; those whose
responses are monosyllabic or otherwise insipid should be released immediately
to be caught in the fishnets of some less discriminating woman. If his opener
is, “ you too,” insist on his buying you a cocktail for wasting your very
valuable time. Assuming his response is acceptable and you choose to allow him
the pleasure of your acquaintance, you are then in total control of the situation
and he shall remain in the check position until you deem him worthy enough to
concede a level playing field. In my illustrious bar career, I have seen many a
contestant fail the rebuttal, but none have failed to respond. I do not claim
this as the most favorable means by which to find your one and only, but honey
for a few free beverages, this is the one game I don’t mind playing.
Royally,
