Well Friendly Dater,
Dear Queenan,
I have been single for many
years and keep running into a recurring problem. As you know, the best way to
forge through the dating process is to date friends of friends, co-workers, etc
(meaning, people you are somewhat familiar with). However, the problem is that I
find myself in situations where many of the men I date finally introduce me to
their friends, and it turns out I have dated or hooked up with at least one of
their friends. This of course causes problems...what do I do? I can't seem to
get away from it and I don't do it on purpose.
Sincerely,
Friendly Dater
Well Friendly Dater,
So, you’re having a little
problem with your recycling, which means either your town is too small or you
are a very “friendly” person indeed. I hope you are aware that you are at once
depressing and confusing most of your female compatriots who spend all of their
time complaining about the lack of datable men. While many would scoff at your
“dilemma,” claiming you’re lucky to even have a date, I see you as a martyr to
the cause of heterosexual dating. There you are, sacrificing yourself to man
after man, free meal after free meal, cocktail after cocktail in the name of
companionship and a cab ride home. You are unafraid to venture into the
wasteland of conversation, which plagues the Y-chromosome when it’s taken away
from its natural sports bar habitat, in hopes that he will feed your soul, or at
least buy you an appetizer.
Some women might find you ridiculous, promiscuous even, for daring to date and
date again in the face of the overwhelming odds against finding a male with
enough home-training to replace the empty toilet paper roll. I however, consider
you among the bravest women I have ever encountered, on plane with the
suffragettes. I have always thought on the agony they must have endured to get
women the vote, just as you must be agonizing to get women a date. You are a new
role model for all women, as we roam through life, searching for the perfect man
to have and to hold. Instead you teach us to party through life, searching for
the nearest man to date and to dump. Perhaps you should start a foundation and
seek endowments toward the edification of all women on how to cease their
endless pursuits of mate perfection and focus on pursuits of date proximity.
You, my serial dater, are a paradigm for the female sex, inspiring us to sink to
new depths in the name of true lust. My heart goes out to you in times that are
so trying- trying out new boys that is- and my thoughts are with you as you face
continued date recycling, undoubtedly an event of unparalleled trauma.
With sympathy,
PS…We all know you don’t really
need advice and you just want to brag and no one really feels sorry for the
little girl with too many boyfriends. Do me a favor, would you darling? Stab
yourself in the eye.