A love letter to my daughter...

Dear Angel,

Having a baby is a weird and wonderful thing. You wait for nearly a year, imagining just how you'll react when your little one arrives, and then of course, it's nothing like you imagined. I loved you instantly, but on instinct. After all, you were a complete stranger to me. You with your wide unblinking eyes, bald-patched head, and wrinkled skin. You were more like a little alien than a person I could understand.

And so we began our journey, you and me, sleepless night by sleepless night, one exhausted day after the next. You rooting around my chest like a nearsighted mole, and me singing every song I could think of more times than I could count. Those were some long, fuzzy days, and not much fun for either of us I imagine. It's funny how no one tells stories of the first two months of life, and I thought perhaps it's because parenting isn't all it's cracked up to be, and then....

you smiled at me.

The most perfect smile I've ever seen. In that instant I knew, in the upturned corners of your tiny mouth, what all the fuss was about. You knew me, you knew I was your mother, and despite how bumbling my attempt, you were happy I was yours.
But little one, not nearly as happy am I was that you are mine.

Sometimes I feel sorry for your father, for my father, for every man who will never see you in the moonlight as you look up, milk-drunk but still eating, with a half-grin of recognition and, I could swear, gratitude on your sweet face. Of course, I don't feel sorry enough to trade places with them, with anyone. I'm selfish but I don't want to miss a single one of your smiles, your squeals, or your giggles. And I don't want you to love any one as much as you love me.

I guess that's the curse of motherhood. I can love you with all my heart, but in the end I have to share. Not right now though. Right now, I am the center of your universe, your very favorite person, and I will enjoy every single moment at the top.

Because I know it can't always be this way with you and me singing and playing and laughing just to laugh. One day you'll crawl and then you'll walk, you'll run and then you'll fly. And though I won't always be the center of your universe, don't worry my darling, because you will always be the center of mine.


Love always,
Mom