Gone to the Dogs

So last night I'm outside my apartment building trying to balance my suitcase, gym bag, purse, and person while searching for my keys in the cold, when what strolls on by but two little dogs. And yeah, I meant strolled as in pushed in a baby carriage! The lifestyles of canines in Manhattan is so ridiculous, you folks sittin on your couch out there in Wisconsin with your big ol' Labrador sleeping by the fireplace can't even imagine.

I mean, pet owners in the City give "taking the dog for a walk" a whole new meaning. These fluffy little white things barely pass for dogs in the first place. And after the money spent on training and grooming and clothing, you coulda sent a kid to college anywhere else. Yes, their mutts are dressed better than half the humans in this city. I just saw a pug wearing a shearling coat! Fur wearing fur....what would PETA say about that?

Now what would be the purpose of having a dog so helpless he can't even walk for himself? Just have a baby if you wanna push a stroller so badly! Not only have you crazy rich women created these needy little monsters, but every sane person that sees you strolling your dogs down the street knows you're a complete psycho. What do they do all day, you ask? Why they eat, sleep, and allow humans to adore them...what else would a dog do? And you can just forget about a game of fetch or burying a bone in the backyard, these puppies are far too well-bred to degrade themselves to dog-like behavior.

This town has always been a divided place, the haves and the have-nots. I was okay
with being a have-not, it was simply my temporary station in life, before my literary prowess elevated me to an Emmy-winning household name. But, honey, if I gotta be a have-not and some whiny mutt gets to be a have... something is seriously askew!

The Upper East Side has gone to the dogs... looks like it's time for this bitch get outta town.