Oscar Re-cap

So how did everyone do with their Oscar picks? Jon Stewart was hysterical, but I thought the show on the whole was rather dull...as was the red carpet.

Regardless, there are still many celebs to trash.

Let us begin with Naomi Watts and her shredded fishnet of a dress. I mean, honey, did you walk to close to a turbine engine or something? What the hell was going on all over the front of your dress? You might need to consult a new stylist cause this one had you covered in flesh-colored rags.

And just so you don't feel so bad about firing your stylist, you can just send her right on over to Michelle Williams' house, cause even a bad style is better than no style at all. Now I know she was going for some retro throw-back look, but throw back is exactly what she needed to do. Lest you thought her striking I have one word for you.... MUSTARD! While just the color you want to see on your hotdog, it is not a shade I would suggest for your wardrobe, especially when you are so terribly pale. And again with the hair. This time she clearly paid someone to style her hair with frumpy fly-away bangs. The idea of getting one's hair done is so it doesn't look the same as when you head out to the grocery store. And if you're going to stick your bussies out all over the place, for the love of God, stand up straight!

Speaking of housewife hairdos, Keira Knightley, bless her heart looked lovely until she turned around and revealed the most pitiful ponytail in a third-graders bow barrette. Just because Halle Berry can pull off a ponytail as an Oscar-worthy hairdo, doesn't mean skinny young white girls should try it. Again, thousands of dollars worth of dress and jewels, and then hair that looks like you're playing J V softball.

Whereas, Charlize had her hair all done up, like a movie star was mean to be seen. Of course she needed an extra seat for the enormous bow on her shoulder, but at least she looked perfect from the neck up. Yes, she really got me, I was hoping for better things. I don't care how thin you are, big sashes slashing across your hips are never a good idea.

Reese was another disappointment. You won the award for acting like June Carter Cash, you didn't have to dress like her too! It was a lovely dress for a fifty-year-old woman, but Reese, honey, you need to show it off while you still got it (especially if you're gonna continue poppin' out the babies like you have been). Again, the pasty girl in the pasty dress, take a note from my girl Charlize and get a little spray tan next time. okay?

Gowns we expected more from include those worn by Rachel Weisz (though she gets a pass this time for being 7 months prego), Jennifer Aniston (considering the films you make this may be your only chance to be here so do a little something special), Salma Hayek (too much going on there, but yet not enough), and Sandra Bullock (fun that you had pockets and all, but otherwise blah).

The all-around best look of the night goes to the perfect-in-every-way...Jessica Alba. I'm telling you if I could have anyone else's body, it would be hers. And her hair was perfectly glam, her face flawless as always, and the dress, well, there are no words. Well, except that she seems to have shed a few pounds and is heading toward the boney side of the aisle...don't do it Jessica, leave the anorexic thing to Mischa Barton, she has so little else on her side. One of the interviewers asked Jessica about her beauty regimen and she said she worked out, drank lots of water, and ate desserts. Awwwe, Jessica, that's so sweet. We don't believe it for a second, but don't you just love her for tryin?