Splitsville

So I think it's about time I chime in with my thoughts on celebrity relationships, don't you? I was so compelled after yesterday's bombshell about the Hilary Swank/Chad Lowe split. Well, I guess it's not really a "bombshell," seeing as how the two of them are usually so uninteresting that they've been able to live in the West Village with barely a sighting on Page Six. I mean nobody cares about talented (Hilary) or unemployed (Chad) actors, unless they're being arrested for drug use. They seem like nice people and all, but they aren't the most attractive Hollywood couple, now are they? Of course her body looked amazing during Million Dollar Baby, but she does have that mouth full of horse teeth, bless her heart. And now you know if I had like 5% body fat and was being awarded an Oscar for putting myself through the riggers of training, I would damn sure be showing my arms off! And what did she wear, but some dowdy high-necked number. Backless, yes, but the spine is so much less sexy than the breast, don't you think?

And Chad, well god love him, he didn't get his brother's looks did he? Of course he might not have gotten his addictions as well. I must be honest, I haven't really followed the younger Lowe's career since "Life Goes On," which was a wonderful program, though his character I always found a little greasy. You know Chad and Hilary once ate at the restaurant where I worked in the Hamptons. I guess they were nice enough, though sorely lacking in taste, seeing as I have a knack for finding the least desirable places of employment within a 50-mile radius. But I digress.

Don't you just love when celebrity couples split and then those insipid entertainment shows go out to random events, where neither member of the couple is present, and ask other celebrities what they think of the split. I mean, half the time these people don't even know each other, and you can tell they don't give a shit and only want to answer questions about themselves anyway. All this to say, that for the next few days I will be devoting some time to the dissection of relationships I nothing about, between people I will never meet, that are probably all made up to begin with. But hell, if Star Magazine can do it, honey, so can I!!