The Sounds of the Subway

So this morning in the subway I passed this same woman I often hear singing in one of the long echoing tunnels of Grand Central Station, and I felt the shudder of years of auditions ripple down my spine. Now I have nothing against singers, ya'll know I moved here to be on the Broad-way (and we see how well that turned out), but I do have an issue with talent-less folks accosting my ears at 8:30 in the morning. You see, there are many talented people in this town, which might explain how I ended up sitting behind a desk instead of dancing in front of an audience. The competition, however, was not the reason I turned in my slippers for stilettos, there were reasons much more excruciating than that. First of all, whatever it is that makes those people get up at 6 a.m. to wait in an audition line, well, I just do not have it. Aside from the fact that it's 6 a.m., I don't do lines- period. Also, I hate actors, pretty much without exception, so waiting for five hours with Sarah Elizabeth Brighten (formerly Becky Weinerstein- apparently ethnic is out, but three names gives you that extra something- stupidity, I think it is) while she warms-up way too loudly with Celine Dion, is just not going to work for me. Rest assured that while her Heart Will Go On, her career certainly will not. These unfortunate folks are actually the reason I never made it in the theater, I couldn't even make it in the waiting room. A word to the wise here: just because your momma thinks you can sing, doesn't really mean you can. In fact, I bet you got all your talent from her... and she's tone deaf.

Which brings me to this morning, where I found myself listening to the a-tonal wailings of some random subway performer. Don't get me wrong, there are many underground acts that I enjoy, like the Pacific-Islander-looking man who sings the Ave Maria to a background track every Sunday morning on the NRW line. While I love his voice, his repertoire is limited to this one tune, but then, when your audience changes every 3 minutes, you don't really need new material, now do you?

This woman, unfortunately, has a wide range of songs, all of which she sings without regard to key, pitch or tone. I do applaud her attempt to support herself with her talents and all, but she would actually need to have a talent in order for this to work out. And as I ascend the stairs to begin my day imprisoned in my fluorescent tower, I hear her begin "Killing Me Softly," and I think to myself...oh if only you were.