Dear Kids, Stop Ratting Me Out!
I don’t remember every single aspect of potty training my daughter, other than it took longer than I wanted it to. And then one day she just decided she wasn’t going to wear diapers again and used the toilet properly and efficiently like the perfect Angel she can be. But then what do you expect from someone called Amazing Grace?
Exactly the opposite of what you expect from someone referred to as Knucklehead Patrick. So I tried to play it cool, not rush him, even though the hatch no longer worked on my Diaper Genie and the poop of a 2-year-old is not nearly as awe-inspiring as that of a newborn. In the end (pun intended) he worked it out in his own uniquely male way, which often left me shaking my head. These are 5 things I wish I’d known before beginning the Potty Training Saga with my son:
1) Fight the Urinal.
I realize that standing up to pee is an indelible right granted to the male species, but until they learn to control that thing, it might as well be a can of spray paint on your bathroom walls. They appear to have about as much control over it as a circus clown with a firehouse, and too many socks have been soaked in the deluge of little boys on the potty. Eventually, I made Patrick sit down to pee and it has made all the difference. Sweetpotato fretted at the potential emasculation of his spawn, but once I suggested he be responsible for bathroom cleaning, he backed me 100%.
This is hanging in my powder room. It was cross-stitched by my grandmother many years ago.
She had 7 sons.
2) Be prepared for nudity.
Walking past the bathroom one day I spotted a tiny pair of pants, underwear still inside, lying neatly on the bathroom floor as if the Rapture had miraculously taken the wearer up to heaven.
Considering what I knew of the owner of the tiny pants, I seriously doubted this was the case, and yet, there was no trace of the tiny hiney that belonged in the pants anywhere…until I rounded the corner and saw it sitting atop my kitchen counter.
Apparently the stress of urination requires a decompression period of at least 5 minutes of full nudity, during which time the male anatomy is to be admired and discussed with all household inhabitants.
3) Turn off your sprinklers.
You won’t need to water your bushes if you let your little man outside to play. Even when training is complete, and he makes it to the toilet when inside, once set free to roam the great outdoors, a boy must- MUST- pee on every tree he sees. If your neighbors have daughters, now is the time to consider a fence.
(**Caution: Rule #1 might have caused some gender re-assignment issues as seen in his choice of footwear)
4) Learn to love the sight of poop.
Prepare yourself to check under the lid of every toilet in your house from the very first poop for an undetermined number of years into the future. It is a universally acknowledged fact that little boys love poop. They love to talk about poop. They love to see poop. And they most definitely love to share poop with every member of their family. After each production of #2, Patrick will excitedly come to find me to show off an elephant-sized turd with the same pride as a giant Lego structure.
Your role as a parent will be to congratulate him …and then flush!
5) Blame the dog.
At some point in the training process there will be an accident. No big deal, every person has them, but then so does every doggie. The question will be who is responsible. The gift below was left in an upstairs walkway frequented by neither boy nor pup, and neither animal has claimed responsibility to this day.
With all the developments in science, you’d think they’d have figured out how to have children be born potty trained, but for now, all those of us with sons can do is try to keep the walls clean, the plants covered, and the pets outside!Share This: